Sunday Night Thoughts
Updated: Mar 1, 2022
My dad is sick. Not like having the flu sick...like having cancer sick. It's so awfully shitty. When he was first diagnosed last Summer of 2021, it was like a punch to the throat. It didn't just knock the wind out of you...it closed the pipe.
They said the worst case scenario was 3 months. 3 months?! This can't be real. In the midst of all the news my mom asked me to speak at his funeral. "You're the writer," she said. There was tears and fear and panic. "Mom, we can't be having this conversation." We felt like we were in a fog for months. I started carrying a water bottle with me all the time. If I started to feel like I was going to cry, I could swallow the tears back down. One morning my mom said, "I just feel numb." I, unfortunately, am not a stranger to that numb feeling. I've lived through other moments in time when it seemed my entire world was falling apart around me. I told her, "Mom, sometimes that numb feeling is a gift."
So...Dad feeling like shit is our new normal. Cancer and chemo take a toll, but emotions settle down and we feel like we still have time. I have had extensive training and practice learning how to settle my mind down and I use those tools every day. This week, dad ended up in the emergency room and stayed in the hospital for 2 days. Heart, Kidneys, blood, lungs, infection...lots of words you don't want to hear a doctor address. I've handled things pretty well, so far...but not tonight. Tonight I climbed into a hot bath with a huge bath bomb I've been saving since Christmas for when I hit a particular goal I'd set for myself (which I hit this morning). I watched the bomb disintegrate into my hands while I sobbed. I let it all out while I soaked in blue, glitter-bombed water. Then I had a 45 minute conversation with my little brother. Talking to someone who knows exactly what I'm going through is always helpful. It takes away some of the sting.
I didn't want to post all of this. But I also didn't want to ignore the FACT that no matter how dedicated you are to love and mindset and living well...shit happens. Hard times and sad times are inevitable. It's just a part of life. So...that's where I am tonight.