My Life is a Do-Over
Nine years ago I wrote my first blog post. It came from tremendous struggle. My marriage had been great the first 10 years. But the last 4 were filled with lies and betrayal. My husband had lost his job in that time and started gambling. He lied to cover it. It was the snowball that wouldn't stop. It became an addiction and so did lying. Family vehicles disappeared (twice). I came home to a pink notice on the front door saying our house would be auctioned off. Our mortgage money had been gambled. How did I not know? Weren't there phone calls and notices in the mail? Well, our phones had been shut off and he got the mail from the community mailbox outside our cul-de-sac. We had conversations over which we could live without...gas? or electricity? It got to the point where I'd feed my boys and I'd go without. After 4 years of living like this, things really started coming to a head. He had been caught in lie after lie after lie, but I didn't want to see my family broken. We tried a recovery program, we tried interventions, but in the end...nothing worked. We discovered he'd been lying about having a job and borrowing ridiculous amounts of money from friends and family. After he told me that the people he owed money to had threatened my boys and me, I knew it was time to get out. And then...he came home with a horrible pain and I took him to insta-care. Two days later he was diagnosed with testicular cancer. All of this was going on while I was preparing to either sell or lose my house, increase my hours at work so I could have insurance to cover his treatment, grapple with the fact that my marriage was over (and feel guilty about it while he was sick), and worry crazily over how all of this would affect my boys. What was I going to do? This was the beginning of a long, painful process. I had forgotten how to believe and think. I thought I was being positive, but it was only on the outside. On the inside, I was broken.
This is what I wrote 9 years ago...
March 7th 2010
My life is a do-over. That is what I tell myself. That’s the positive spin on my life. The negative spin is that I am a 33 year old mother of 3 boys, soon to be a single mother of 3 boys. I have no career, have currently gone back to school, work 30 hours, had to sell my house and move back in with my parents. Yeah, you have to laugh to keep from crying. But I choose to believe in the positive. I have to.
I have since learned many lessons about the power of our thoughts. My goal is to help others understand these things so they can move forward with a faith in their purpose and life goals.