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  • Jen de Azevedo

Diary of the Fearful - Big Realizations

Updated: Apr 7, 2019

I posted this on my blog back in April of 2011. I remember how crazy this realization was for me. I was raised in a loving, religious home. While I'm grateful for the things I was taught as a child, I mistakenly believed good things would come my way simply because I made good, kind decisions. I still hadn't learned about the power of thought. And while faith was a very big part of my life, I didn't realize how much fear had crept into my way of thinking. Here's the rest...


I used to pray for the life I wanted. I spent hours praying for relationships to work out, for better jobs, for more free time, for a better financial situation and for a complete understanding of life and the universe surrounding it. The last few years of my life have been years of desperation and I found myself getting angry that so many of my prayers went unanswered. I was the good person in the decay that had become my life! When nothing seemed to be working out, I rolled up my sleeves and did everything I could think of to make things work. Isn’t there some sort of reward for that? Aren’t the good people among us blessed for their actions? I’ve come to find the answer to that question is…not always.

I have gone through my life believing that I would be blessed for being good. That is not always the case. I am not saying it’s never the case. I can see, daily, the miracles that have flooded my life because of good choices I’ve made. I’m saying we are not guaranteed an easier path solely because we are good.

As human beings our actions affect others. Sometimes those effects are wonderful, and sometimes they drain us of everything. I, like everyone else, have been the recipient of both. But, sadly, the last few years of my life have been severely impacted by someone who repeatedly chose to make terrible decisions. So, after a divorce, financial ruin and the loss of my independence, I found myself coming to a stark realization. “Being good does not always equal happiness.” Try to understand how hard it was for me to wrap my head around this concept. I know that making bad choices will not make a soul happy. Getting drunk, sleeping around, lying will not bring a soul happiness. Doesn’t it seem logical that doing the opposite WILL bring happiness? I once thought so, but the answer is NO! I know so many people who are making all the right decisions for all the wrong reasons and they are miserable. Remember that saying “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”? I find that statement to be true. If you are making so-called “good” decisions so you will look like the perfect family or so it looks like you’re doing everything right, is it really a good decision?

I am 35 years old and I have just had the epiphany of a lifetime! Only now I am faced with another question. “If being good doesn’t guarantee happiness, what does?” I find this question depresses the hell out of me because I don’t know the answer and I don’t know where to find it. So, for the last few weeks I have been thinking, re-thinking and over-thinking. I have prayed, yet again, for answers. Tonight I received an answer in the form of a realization. I stumbled upon this quote by Wendell Phillips, “What is defeat? Nothing but education, nothing but the first step toward something better.” These words were a comfort to me. I realized I am taking the first step toward something better. But I still feel like something is standing in my way. What stands between me and true joy, happiness, love, whatever you want to call it? It hit me like a wrecking ball as I was standing in the kitchen rinsing out hot chocolate mugs. FEAR. Fear is what is standing between me and my happiness. Now that I’ve pinpointed the problem, I need to figure out a solution. This next bit of road should be interesting.

Does any of that feel familiar? I have traveled a long road and learned so much about fear and how to conquer it so I could create better things in my life. Keep reading so you can get through this stuff faster and you don't make the same mistakes I made.

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